It’s a Thursday night, the end of my work week in some ways, at least it is for dealing with clients in 1-1 and 2-1 settings. As I close my laptop, I reflect on the conversations I’ve had and the pain that so many of my clients move through on a weekly basis in their relationships. I celebrate them for pursuing their inward journey and for being so trusting of me with such delicate information – all of which I know I’ll be taking to my grave, stories never to be told again.

I rush down the stairs, eager to see my Fiancé, to cuddle up on the couch with him and to watch a newly released tv series… Ashley Madison. I wish I could say I haven’t heard this name before, and I wish I could say I haven’t heard this name mentioned in my line of work but unfortunately, I have. Now, after finishing the documentary in less than 24hours, I’m here to tell you what I believe about this website and what it means for relationships in society.

The notorious website reads “Life is short. Have an affair.”, eye-rolling content if you ask me because I know the real reasons why people have affairs and the mental health issues it truly causes to both sides of the relationship – and possibly to the third party. If you’ve watched the series, you’ll know by now that this website was mainly targeted at married men and marketed mainly by men objectifying and sexualising women but here’s the best part…

According to the series on Netflix, many of the so-called “women” on the website were bots or chats tended to by people working within the company misleading married men into spending hundreds and thousands of dollars on nothing but a “fantasy” woman. So, basically, men scamming men by preying on their vulnerabilities, specifically preying on the fact that they are “unhappy” in their life or marriage and seeking an escape through infidelity. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is likely real women on that website because I know women can stray from their marriage just as much as men can - especially when you consider research by The Gottman’s that suggests “women tend to be more unhappily married than men”.

But let me say this now…it is awful to have been betrayed, and to have done the betraying. It leads people into a state of confusion and hurt, and for the betrayed partner, frequently experiencing symptoms similar to PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Think intrusive thoughts, nightmares or trouble sleeping, hyper-vigilance, mood swings between grief and angry outbursts, feeling detached or estrangement plus a whole lot more, not to mention trying to cope with all of that. It’s a lot for any individual to move through.

As someone who has never had a long-term relationship with a man who has been fully loyal, I know this experience a little too well. It’s one of the reasons I’ve now found myself in this line of work.

When an infidelity happens you begin to question every element of your relationship, looking for what is real, looking for what you can hold onto and looking for the signs you may have overlooked (or simply chosen not to pay attention to because, for some, the thought of being alone was more painful). You can feel desperate trying to understand what went wrong in the relationship, trying to make sense of this new reality you are faced with. You can feel angry. You can feel unstable. You can feel “not good enough”.

Your pain is intense – and it can feel all-consuming. It can even be prolonged or made worse, further eroding trust and safety in the relationship, if the person who strayed is unwilling to approach the conversation around the infidelity or simply unwilling to pursue couples therapy to take responsibility for their choice to look outside the relationship despite their commitment that they made to you.

For many people who find themselves in this new dilemma of “Should I stay, or should I go?”, here’s the information I wish I had received through the different relationships I’d been in with all types of men – from the remorseful ones who would do anything to heal the wound they caused and were willing to take a look at themselves to do just that, to the ones who literally couldn’t give two sh*ts about their unhealthy obsession with finding other women to feed an insatiable hunger from within. No one person is the same when it comes to the reasons why they choose to stray from a relationship but the steps a person takes to heal that wound will tell you a lot about the person you’re considering to stay with. That said, for the men who have been betrayed and are reading this article, please swap the genders where applicable because my writing can only take me so far but I’m also here to say, “I see you too”.

So, let’s dive deep…

Why do people have affairs?

Research by The Gottman’s has alluded to the idea that people have affairs because they are lonely in their relationship. While a quick Google search will give you all sorts of answers but here’s some of what I believe at present from what I’ve read, experienced and seen in my line of work:

- Unresolved childhood trauma: think disempowerment issues, possibly related to a history of abuse or bullying. Or, think attachment issues where people have never really learned what it means to create a safe, stable, and nurturing relationship.

- Personality disorders: think narcissism where people have an inflated sense of self-importance, craving admiration, power, and attention, and a sense of entitlement to basically “do as they please” even if it means hurting their partner by straying from the relationship in the pursuit of someone else.

- OCD and hypersexuality: think becoming preoccupied with “outlets” for escaping unwanted or intrusive thoughts. Think impulsivity and compulsivity, avoidance and emotional distance, and validation or reassurance seeking outside of a primary relationship. It could possibly start with excessive pornography use or masturbation to cope which eventually manifests into infidelity (and in extreme cases, possibly becoming a sex addict).

- Basic communication challenges and poor boundary management: of all things, I truly believe infidelity happens because people don’t know how to express their needs, fears, feelings, and desires in a relationship – and because they are conflict avoidant. They don’t know how to set appropriate boundaries, how to stick by them, how to navigate conflict, how to facilitate connection or deeper levels of intimacy, or simply, they don’t know how to keep “the spark” alive to ensure long term relationship satisfaction.

How does infidelity affect the betrayed person?

Like PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or because I don’t believe in the term “disorder” because it’s a normal response to an abnormal situation, let’s call it PTS instead), here’s what some people can experience until active steps are taken to heal from the trauma:

- Recurrent, distressing recollections of the event. Think intrusive thoughts, images, or perceptions about what happened.

- Recurrent distressing nightmares and/or disrupted sleep patterns.

- Intense distress when triggers of the original trauma are experienced. For some, this might look like sending your partner a text and not hearing back for several hours leading to stories of “They must be with someone again because last time it was like this Y happened”.

- Feelings of detachment or estrangement.

- Irritability, or unexpected outbursts of negative emotions such as anger, grief, or extreme panic.

- Hypervigilance. For some this might appear like keeping a watchful eye on the partner who strayed out of fear they’ll stray again with intrusive thoughts like “Who are they texting? Is it her/him? Why did they like Y’s Instagram post? Why didn’t they like mine? Why didn’t they text me back already? Are they with someone else? What does this mean about us?”

- Avoidance of thoughts, feelings, people, places, activities, or conversations associated with the trauma.

- Increased substance use to numb the symptoms, to cope in a way that is actually quite damaging and unhelpful to the healing process.

How does infidelity affect the person who strayed from the relationship?

Here’s some of the possible effects of the hurt partner’s experience of PTS on the person who strayed from the relationship:

- Increased stress or anxiety. They may not know how to support their partner; they may question if their partner will ever be okay again and they don’t know what to expect at any given moment.

- Increased confusion. The mood swings in the hurt partner can lead to a sense of chaos and unpredictability in the relationship.

- Increased efforts to please or fix the partner’s pain. There may be a sense of guilt or shame accompanying this as you try to “fix” what your partner is going through to stabilise the relationship, and to relieve you of those negative emotions too.

- Possible anger and hurt. Your partner may withdraw from you for the betrayal you created in the relationship but remember they are not feeling safe or trusting of you right now. You may feel angry that they can’t “control” their emotions, leading you to possibly feel increasingly impatient or frustrated at times.

- Grief. Perhaps, your partner is unwilling to dream with you anymore or unwilling to connect with you because of what happened.

- Fear. Perhaps, seeing your partner move through this experience causes you to fear they will take their life or do something to hurt themselves. Perhaps, they have communicated this to you, and you don’t know what to do.

How does infidelity affect the relationship between two people?

- The betrayed partner can feel “cut off” from their own feelings and needs. They may lose a sense of who they are, and in turn, prevent their partner from getting to know them too.

- Avoidance of conversations related to the infidelity creates two strangers in a relationship. There is no true unity, or sense of “we-ness” in tackling the issue. It prevents a sense of safety and trust from being rebuilt, it perpetuates symptoms of PTSD and can lead to further issues in the relationship. It also sends a message of “I’m not taking responsibility for this issue” / “I don’t care about you” from the partner who strayed to the partner who has been betrayed. Thus, is it any wonder they continue to struggle to trust you?

- Especially for women who have been betrayed, it can create a “chameleon effect” where you bend over backwards to be whatever your partner wants you to be to avoid further betrayals, anger, or disapproval from your partner.

- There can be increased episodes of turning away from one another’s bids for connection. For the betrayed, they can remain in a distorted view of seeing their partner as “the enemy” – someone who is unsafe to approach for connection.

- There can be strange demands made, or rigid boundaries created to control what happens in the relationship, to avoid reminders of the abuse in the relationship, and to avoid future betrayals.

- There can be “gridlock” conflicts, refusal to accept influence from one another, or complete communication breakdown when there is a real need for compromise, unity, and resolution.

…plus a whole lot more.

What to do if you have experienced an infidelity in your relationship?

Whether it’s an emotional infidelity where your partner has grown emotionally close to another, replacing that closeness they once shared with you or whether it’s a physical infidelity where there has been sexual interaction(s) or intimate physical contact outside of your committed relationship, recovery is possible. Here’s how…

The Gottman Method of recovering from an affair goes a little like this in couple’s therapy:

Step One: Atonement – it is crucial that the betrayer accepts responsibility for their choice to stray, that they try to make amends and make up for their misdeed. There needs to be patience from the betrayer where they give space to their partners pain and allow them to process the emotions that have stemmed from the betrayers’ choice to look outside the relationship. There needs to be remorse and transparency where questions need answers, even if it feels like an invasion privacy. Without transparency, there is a risk of this being seen as “secrecy”, an attempt to protect the third party and further betrayal in your relationship. Forgiveness of the betrayer is also essential in this phase if both people want their relationship to truly last and to thrive again.

Step Two: Attune – how good is your ability to understand and respect your partner’s inner world? How great is your mutual desire and love for one another? This phase is all about building relationship (or marriage #2). The focus moves from “my needs” in the couple to “our needs”, or to taking care of your partner’s needs in the way that they require it. This is all about accepting bids for connection and turning towards one another on a more consistent basis.

Step Three: Attachment – this involves deep (and emotional) conversations about pretty much anything in the relationship, including sex. Deeper conversations allow each partner to better understand one another’s preferences, triggers, fears, feelings, needs, desires, and essentials for a relationship to thrive. Communication skills are an essential part of this element, including an ability to navigate conflict with ease and reach a win-win outcome.

Beyond affairs, and outside of those experiencing domestic violence and substance abuse issues in their relationship, this way of approaching couples therapy can provide people with the necessary insights, tools, and skills to ensure their relationship continues to thrive and be even more successful than before. I’m not just talking-the-talk here, I often use many of the strategies I provide to clients in my own relationship with my now Fiancé too. So, I firmly believe in this approach because we’ve also used it to get to where we want to be in love.

As for Ashley Madison, I would encourage anyone considering the use of such a website that enables lies and deceit in their relationships, to take a long look at themselves in the mirror. As someone who sees this type of hurt in relationships a little too frequently, and who knows the stats around whether affair relationships can truly work out (FYI many of them don’t, or many of them end up straying from the affair partner into another affair with someone else), please value yourself and your relationships more highly. Please ask yourself “Why am I preventing myself from being truly successful in love?”. Please ask yourself “Where did I learn to behave this way in my love life?” because how could you be living a life that is true to yourself when your relationships are filled with lies and deceit?

That said, if you’re reading this article and are looking to take some key steps in your relationship to ensure you and your partner can get your relationship to where you both want it to be, click the link below to secure your first session with me today. Special discount code for your first couples session with me: AshleyMadison20%. Valid until June 30th 2024.

Book in Your First Couple's Session Here Today

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Spoiler Alert: I watched Ashley Madison and here’s what I think about Infidelity as a Couples Therapist

References

Case Study Report: In the Shadow of Patriarchy: Examining Power and Crime in Male Perpetrated Intimate Partner Violence (Academic Research Paper)