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Spoiler Alert: I watched Ashley Madison and here’s what I think about Infidelity as a Couples Therapist
It’s a Thursday night, the end of my work week in some ways, at least it is for dealing with clients in 1-1 and 2-1 settings. As I close my laptop, I reflect on the conversations I’ve had and the pain that so many of my clients move through on a weekly basis in their relationships. I celebrate them for pursuing their inward journey and for being so trusting of me with such delicate information – all of which I know I’ll be taking to my grave, stories never to be told again.
I rush down the stairs, eager to see my Fiancé, to cuddle up on the couch with him and to watch a newly released tv series… Ashley Madison. I wish I could say I haven’t heard this name before, and I wish I could say I haven’t heard this name mentioned in my line of work but unfortunately, I have. Now, after finishing the documentary in less than 24hours, I’m here to tell you what I believe about this website and what it means for relationships in society.
The notorious website reads “Life is short. Have an affair.”, eye-rolling content if you ask me because I know the real reasons why people have affairs and the mental health issues it truly causes to both sides of the relationship – and possibly to the third party. If you’ve watched the series, you’ll know by now that this website was mainly targeted at married men and marketed mainly by men objectifying and sexualising women but here’s the best part…
Case Study Report: In the Shadow of Patriarchy: Examining Power and Crime in Male Perpetrated Intimate Partner Violence (Academic Research Paper)
Globally, intimate partner violence (IPV) is a pressing public health issue, underscored by its prevalence and profound ramifications in many societies. IPV has been defined as “any behaviour by a current or ex-partner that causes physical, sexual, or psychological harm, including physical abuse, sexual coercion, psychological abuse, and controlling behaviours” (World Health Organisation, 2021). While women can resort to violence in relationships, often in self-defence or in response to their abuse (Scarduzio et al., 2017), and while violence can occur in same-sex partnerships (Rollè et al., 2018), statistics consistently show that the primary perpetrators of IPV in heterosexual relationships are male intimate partners or ex-partners (World Health Organisation, 2021; Foley, 2024).Conversely, men are more prone to violent acts from strangers or acquaintances rather than from an intimate partner, or from someone they are close to (Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) Personal Safety Survey (PSS), 2024).
Is It Wrong to be “Selfish” in a Relationship?
Be “selfish” when you’re in a relationship with someone. Start holding your needs, feelings, and desires as equally important to your partner’s rather than viewing it as an “either/or” situation. It’s not supposed to be about you gaining something else, while your partner goes without or sacrifices (or vice versa). It’s supposed to be more like a “both/and” situation when you’re in a relationship with someone else – it’s this dynamic that will prevent any feelings of resentment from building in the relationship.
Reading Between The Lines: What It Really Means When He Calls His Ex “Crazy”.
“There was no way me and my ex were going to work out, she was absolutely crazy. Actually, all of my exes were crazy.”
These days it seems a little too common to hear a guy label his ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, or ex-lover as “crazy” but what does it really say about him, the dynamics of the relationship and his overall attitude towards women? I’m here to say the stereotype and labelling of women as “crazy” - ex or not - is overused, outdated and the biggest red flag a misogynist could ever wave in front of you. So, if you’re currently dating someone who is labelling their ex or women as “crazy”, it’s maybe the perfect time for you to read on, to pay attention and to ask yourself “What this might mean for their relationship with you?” if you were to continue dating them.
How To Break Free From Being The “Perfect Partner”.
Many people have, at some point in their lives, strove to be the “perfect” partner. Whether perfect means being “all good”, saying “yes”, or simply avoiding anything that could “rock the boat”. Typically someone who identifies with trying to be “perfect” or “all good” is really identifying with beliefs such as “I’m inadequate”, “I’m not allowed to make mistakes”, “I am worthless”, or “I am bad” . And so, their perfectionistic ways and attempts to be good all of the time are really defence mechanisms, developed in response to some sort of pain felt earlier in their lives. In fact, I know this inner dialogue and the feelings of shame, low self-worth, and associated anxiety all too well because, at one point in time, I too tried to be the “perfect partner”.
How Many Women Feel Like A Man’s Mother Instead of His Lover? Too Many.
Has your sexual desire or passion faded from your relationship? Have you suddenly started questioning if you should stay, or leave? Have you ever thought that it might be because your relationship has shifted from an adult-adult to an adult-child dynamic? Truth be told, you’re not alone if you answered ‘yes’ to any of these because I once said ‘yes’ too. Moreover, I see this type of dilemma in my line of work weekly and here’s what I have to say about this aspect of your relationship…
Want Your Relationship To Last? Then, Stop Criticising Your Partner.
Of all the things I’ve seen destroy a relationship, criticism is by far one of the most prominent enablers of a relationship breakdown. You see, when you criticise your partner what you’re really doing is rejecting your partner, and eroding away any positive feelings and connection. You’re simply saying to your partner “You are not enough” or “I don’t accept you as you are”. Now, most people don’t like to feel rejected or like they aren’t “good enough”, and they’ll do almost anything to escape those feelings. This is why you see toxic people-pleasers, defensiveness, perfectionism, and infidelities in some relationships. Sometimes, those problematic behaviours are in response to a partner that has become just a little too negative in their ways of relating.