Reading Between The Lines: What It Really Means When He Calls His Ex “Crazy”.
“There was no way me and my ex were going to work out, she was absolutely crazy. Actually, all of my exes were crazy.”
These days it seems a little too common to hear a guy label his ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, or ex-lover as “crazy” but what does it really say about him, the dynamics of the relationship and his overall attitude towards women? I’m here to say the stereotype and labelling of women as “crazy” - ex or not - is overused, outdated and the biggest red flag a misogynist could ever wave in front of you. So, if you’re currently dating someone who is labelling their ex or women as “crazy”, it’s maybe the perfect time for you to read on, to pay attention and to ask yourself “What this might mean for their relationship with you?” if you were to continue dating them.
Uncovering The Truth About His Inner World: What Does This “Crazy” Talk Teach You About Him?
#1: He’s Blatantly Refusing Personal Responsibility
Sometimes, people like to point fingers and spin a narrative of “It was their fault” without really considering the question of “What part did I have to play in this dynamic?”. Specifically, gaslighters, people with a lack of psychological development, or people with some sort of personality disorder, like to go by this mantra of “I’m normal and everyone else is “crazy” or “the problem””. Frankly, this is an unhealthy and biased view to hold when it comes to any kind of relationship dynamic because the reality is, if you’re choosing to be involved with someone then, you have some responsibilities of your own to acknowledge in that relationship too.
Also, generally speaking, people who resort to pointing fingers, or to painting others with the label “crazy”, usually lack an ability to self-reflect and to understand how their actions have contributed to, what might have been, a dysfunctional, abusive, or completely toxic dynamic. Taking ownership over their side might mean they have to face some harsh truths of their own, apologise, and change their behaviour - a lot of which will bring up some element of pain and people will do anything to avoid that…even if it means saying “my ex was crazy”. So, on that note, it’s important to ask yourself if you want to be involved with someone who resorts to pointing fingers, and who fails to look at themselves and their own behaviours when things start to get particularly bumpy in a relationship. I know my answer on that one but do you?
#2 He Invalidates People’s Experiences
In a healthy and functioning relationship, two people can hold space for one another - through the good times, and the not-so-good times. Fears and hurts are often discussed and support is given when it’s needed BUT in a toxic relationship, there’s no room for this. In a dysfunctional relationship, there is at least one person who is preoccupied with their own inner world, lacking emotional maturity, or psychological development, and they will likely be someone who emotionally invalidates other people consistently. Between two people, invalidation can show up in many ways. It can look like eye rolling, intentionally ignoring someone, jumping to solution or “fix it” mode instead of listening to someone’s experience, or deliberately scrolling on your phone whilst someone is trying to talk to you about their experiences. Using language, emotional invalidation can sound like “My day has been so much harder than yours, stop complaining”, “You’re overreacting”, “Why do you have to be so sensitive?” or “You take everything so personally and always make such a big deal, it was just a joke so why can’t you relax!?”. Doing and saying those things to people can elicit mental health issues, low self-worth, and a sense of confusion and distrust - all of which will eventually lead to a relationship breakdown, or progressively worse episodes of conflict over time.
So, when it concerns the guy you’re dating and the conversation around his ex, calling her “crazy” is the first sign that he will emotionally invalidate you. It’s a way of him escaping accountability or some challenging conversations that would involve an element of self-reflection and changed behaviour. When he calls his ex “crazy” he’s invalidating her and basically saying “Her feelings didn’t matter”, “How she felt was wrong”, or “What I think and feel is more important right now so I’m just going to call her “crazy” to avoid being fully honest with you”. Pay attention when this happens because if he treated her that way, it’s likely he will do that to you too.
#3 He Could Be Projecting His Issues Onto Her
When there's something inside of us that we don't like, that we can't accept about ourselves, or that we can't cope with, one way to deal with this is to project it onto another. In the case of his ex, calling her “crazy” might actually highlight to you his own inner struggles with himself. He might be feeling totally out of control and “crazy” on the inside but instead of seeking therapy and getting to the root causes of his inner struggles, he’s resorting to the defence mechanism of projection. For some people, they’ll never realise that the things they find frustrating, annoying or particularly negative in other people are actually the things they are choosing not to confront within themselves. So, pay attention to this because if his words are particularly negative and unloving about her, then it’s highly possible he’s really teaching you how he feels about himself.
#4 It’s Possible His Behaviours Elicited Mental Health Issues In Her And It’s Easier For Him To Label It As “Crazy”
When you’re involved with someone who continuously uses gaslighting, manipulation, abusive behaviours, or some form of coercive control, it can often instil a sense of confusion and lead to emotional instability or mental health issues that may never have existed in other relationships before. It’s completely normal for a victim of abuse to hear from friends or family members that “you haven’t been yourself lately”, “you seem to have changed a lot since being with him, is everything okay?”, or “you seem to have lost your spark” - this is usually a hint to pay attention to the relationship or guy that you are involved with at present. People outside of your relationship have generally got a clear judgement on it because they aren’t infatuated or dependent on your love interest like you might be. This is why seeking professional support is always a good call so you can identify toxic patterns, and protect your health and well-being from the start of your dating journey.
Getting involved with someone who labels their ex as “crazy” might mean you could eventually feel that way with him too, especially if he hasn’t addressed those issues or his relationship with women through therapy. When your reality is consistently denied by your romantic partner (or by people in general), it can 100% make you feel “crazy” but the truth is, you’re having a normal response to what could be abnormal and abusive behaviour in the other person. So, if the guy you’re dating labels her as “crazy” it might be time to ask yourself what behaviours in him elicited this so-called “crazy” response in her? And what kind of work is he doing on himself to heal from that “crazy” ex so he doesn’t carry forward any of that stuff with you?
#5 He Is Biasing You Against His Ex/Exes And Placing Himself On A Pedestal
Manipulators, gaslighters and potentially dangerous people all have one thing in common…they will cover the truth and discredit others to protect their self-image and to make themselves “look good” - and it generally stems from a place of fear and deep rooted insecurity. As the saying goes “nothing to hide, nothing to fear” so, how open and honest is this guy you’re dating? Does he avoid, deflect questions or paint his exes with broad labels of “crazy” when you probe a little deeper about his dating history? Does he give you examples of what went wrong and how he might have contributed to explosive events? Or does he stumble around things, or overreact, when you confront him? Does he make himself out to be completely innocent and a “good guy” that you really shouldn’t question? I encourage you to really consider this one.
When someone crafts a narrative about how “crazy” their exes were, they’re making it near impossible for you to consider their exes version of events. Sometimes, their story is almost too easy to believe because you might have some internalised misogyny of your own, or you might believe that your own emotional responses are “too much” and something to be ashamed of. Other times, unconsciously, you might be placing him on a pedestal because of your own false beliefs that you are “less than” as a woman - all of which makes it easier for him to speak of himself so highly while devaluing and degrading the women he’s been involved with. So, on that note, I’m here to remind you that you are not less than, and never place a man above you, and never allow him to paint himself as superior to you - save yourself the pain that comes with all of that, and ask yourself if that’s the kind of relationship that you really want to be involved in? It might be worth your while to check out the book “Women Don’t Owe You Pretty” located in the references below so you can up-level your awareness on patriarchy, misogyny and so much more.
A Final Note From Me To You
If you were to sit down with a man’s ex, or exes, what do you think they might say about why their relationship ended? Maybe, they both had communication issues? Maybe, she was anxiously attached and he was a full blown avoidant? Maybe, they both were avoidant? Maybe, he was unfaithful or insecure - seeking validation from other women and, because of that, he wove lies that made her feel “crazy”? Maybe, they both had unresolved issues of their own and because of that they could never truly connect with each other? Maybe, it was a trauma bond? Who knows for certain what went on because there is always three sides to every story - his, hers, and the facts (or the true event/reality).
Regardless of where you stand right now, as women, it’s important that we stick together and protect each other when it comes to our relations with men. If there are any grey areas or red flags around the man that you’re dating, I’m a firm believer that, if you feel it is the right choice for you, to go consult previous partners if you feel the truth is being skewed, if you feel like you’re dating someone who is potentially abusive, or if you feel like you’re being misled so early on. Women need to stick together more often to stop toxic patterns of behaviour. Of course, be aware that not every ex will be willing to pick up the phone and discuss things because they may not have gotten over it, they may not be wanting to revisit their past, or because they are afraid as to what your true intentions might be. Also, be aware that their perception is their perception and it may not be a fully balanced view of the relationship. At the end of the day, a secure person will be able to address questions, to be honest, and to perhaps, confirm similar experiences to you without bashing their ex and without going into the nitty-gritty details - and that’s probably enough of a sign for you to say, in the words of Beyonce, “boy, bye”. You deserve better. If that doesn’t work for you, and if you still feel unsure of what to think about him, it might be worth considering a professional support to understand if this man is a safe and secure choice for you - and to understand why you have chosen to let him into your life.
*Disclaimer: whilst this article is intentionally focused on a male labelling an ex (a female) as “crazy”, this does not mean that women are not capable of doing this to men too. This article is also not claiming that “all” men show up in this way but “some” men. If you, a man, found this article offensive please be aware that this is not what the article was intended for and this might actually be a sign of some unresolved trauma within you for which it would be important to seek some professional support so you can address what has come up for you. For clients, please be aware that no article is based off your personal disclosures and that a lot of the articles have references included below to show some of the sources that inspired the final version. Personal dating and life experiences of my own also inspire the articles found on this website.
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References
Carrico, B. (2021, July 19). What is emotional invalidation? Psych Central. Retrieved March 20, 2023, from https://psychcentral.com/health/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience
Casabianca, S. S. (2021, May 6). Why do narcissists play the victim? Psych Central. Retrieved March 20, 2023, from https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/narcissist-plays-the-victim#:~:text=Narcissists%20may%20play%20the%20victim,formal%20symptoms%20of%20narcissistic%20personality.
Gillette, H. (2022, August 9). What does misogyny mean in simple terms? Psych Central. Retrieved March 23, 2023, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-misogynist
Given, F. (2021). Women don't owe you pretty. Brazen.
Jonason, P. K., Luevano, V. X., & Adams, H. M. (2012). How the Dark Triad traits predict relationship choices. Personality and Individual Differences, 53(3), 180-184.
Lovering, N. (2022, September 14). Trauma bonding: What it is and how to break the Bonds. Psych Central. Retrieved March 23, 2023, from https://psychcentral.com/relationships/what-is-trauma-bonding
Sussex Publishers. (n.d.). Coercive control: Entrapped by fear. Psychology Today. Retrieved March 20, 2023, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-crime-and-justice-doctor/202107/coercive-control-entrapped-fear
Sussex Publishers. (n.d.). Gaslighting. Psychology Today. Retrieved March 14, 2023, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/gaslighting
Sussex Publishers. (n.d.). Projection. Psychology Today. Retrieved March 14, 2023, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/projection#:~:text=Projection%20is%20the%20process%20of,own%20unacceptable%20urges%20to%20another.
Thompson, L. (2018). “I can be your Tinder nightmare”: Harassment and misogyny in the online sexual marketplace. Feminism & Psychology, 28(1), 69-89.
