How To Break Free From Being The “Perfect Partner”.
Many people have, at some point in their lives, strove to be the “perfect” partner. Whether perfect means being “all good”, saying “yes”, or simply avoiding anything that could “rock the boat”. Typically someone who identifies with trying to be “perfect” or “all good” is really identifying with beliefs such as “I’m inadequate”, “I’m not allowed to make mistakes”, “I am worthless”, or “I am bad” . And so, their perfectionistic ways and attempts to be good all of the time are really defence mechanisms, developed in response to some sort of pain felt earlier in their lives. In fact, I know this inner dialogue and the feelings of shame, low self-worth, and associated anxiety all too well because, at one point in time, I too tried to be the “perfect partner”.
Understanding Perfectionism: The “Perfect Child” Might Become The Perfect Friend, Student, Worker, or Partner
Perfect for many means “flawless”. It means not letting there be space for criticism, for shame, for blame, for rejection, or any form of pain for that matter. And for that reason perfectionism is a form of self-protection - a defence mechanism from the pain that you felt when you were a little too young and vulnerable to the world and to the people around you.
For perfectionists, inclusive of my past self (and I’ll admit for the few remnants that exist within me today at times), they run the risk of overextending themselves in their relationships. They try to escape the feeling of not being “good enough” and so, there’s always room to do something better, to take it one step further, or to raise the bar a little higher. The word “no” does not exist because at one point in time, you understood that saying no meant that you were a “bad” child, “unhelpful”, or perhaps, even “selfish” and “inconsiderate”. And if that were true, what did you believe would happen to you?… Perhaps, there was a risk of love being withheld? Or for some, there was a risk of physical punishment? Too painful or scary for you to experience, too young for you to fully understand the whole story…in defence, and in self-protection you tried to be “perfect” because, at the time, being perfect meant what to you?
For many, their perfectionism may have started with their parents and then, the pattern repeated in other relationships. For these people, being perfect might mean going to great lengths to gain approval, love, or validation in some way. Whether it started out by “working hard” at school and getting “perfect” grades because that’s what would keep mum or dad happy. Whether it’s achieved by changing their personal interests and values to align with their romantic partner - and their version of what you need to be. Whether it’s by saying “yes” all the time because it means that love won’t be withheld, or for some, to avoid the pain that comes with rejection. These people are in constant pursuit of their own demands which makes them susceptible to the demands of other people.
Where Does Your Perfectionism Come From?
At a young age, growing up in a home where there was addiction and domestic violence, I picked up the sense that I was “not enough” and that making mistakes or being a “bad child” would result in some form of abuse - physical, emotional, verbal, or neglect. What’s more is I picked up the message that I would be loved, accepted and safe if I could do well at school, if I could be helpful, if I could be seen but not heard, and do things in the “right way”. In other words, if I could do things in a “perfect way” and be a “perfect child” then, I would get my needs met and not be abandoned. And this pattern repeated in my adulthood relationships where no demand or request was “too much”, “too high” or “too unrealistic”.
For some, it might start a little differently. Perhaps, you had primary caregivers who had high performance expectations and when you didn’t succeed, or do well in their eyes, you were met with criticism or your short comings were highlighted to you. If this is true for you, you likely internalised those expectations and negative self-evaluations - and because of this, you fear failure or rejection.
For others, it could stem from overly controlling or intrusive caregivers - the type that are overbearing, smothering and too restrictive “for your own good”. For you, nothing you do for them is “right” or “enough”. They may take over, or instruct you with remarks like “This is the correct way” or “You never get it right, let me do it”. Again, you internalised the expectation and negative self-evaluation.
And when you believe your internal influences - your negative self-beliefs and evaluations - you’ll end up trying very hard to suppress them, or you’ll behave in a way that will minimise the amount of negative beliefs you can sense. Moreover, you’ll go to great lengths trying to escape the feelings of inadequacy and to prevent others from realising how inadequate you feel deep down. This is how your defence mechanism develops and it manifests on the level of your behaviour. In other words, how you behave on a day-to-day basis can teach you how you feel about yourself deep down.
Side Note/Disclaimer: This is not about parent, partner or significant other blame/shame. Especially concerning your caregivers, they could not give to you what they did not receive themselves. They were once a child too, learning about the world - helpless, dependent and vulnerable. However, this does not excuse any forms of unjust or abusive behaviour. It was their responsibility to heal their trauma as an adult and to protect and love you as a child but unfortunately, the reality for many people is that stigma around psychological health prevents many people from getting the support they need to show up in a loving way. This is why toxic, abusive or dysfunctional relationships exist. Self-reflection, self-awareness and self-responsibility are invaluable things for society. Therefore, despite the pain you felt through certain experiences, it is your responsibility to heal yourself now as an adult just like it is up to others to heal themselves too. And if they can’t, just like they can create space from their pain through avoidance or numbing behaviours, you can create space from them if you need to through healthy boundaries and distance.
Overcoming Perfectionism In Self = Overcoming Perfectionism In Your Relationships
Solution #1: Catch Your Self-Talk & Be Compassionate
Be mindful of any self-talk involving “must” or “should” as this can often create a sense of pressure and feelings of inadequacy, or shame. For example, “I should have got this right the first time”, “I should have done it better”, or “I must get that done perfectly”. Equally, be mindful of phrases like “If only I were thinner/smarter/prettier/better, then…” or “If I were perfect, then…”. And finally, phrases like “I need to be more chill/supportive/quiet etc…” as it conveys the message that how you are is “not enough”, not okay, or simply not “perfect”. Balance is key here because you are a complex human being. Instead of engaging in negative self-talk, change your self-talk to something more compassionate such as “I am setting really high expectations for myself, that’s not fair”, “I am being really hard on myself” or “I have done the best that I could do with the energy, time and skills that I have right now”.
Solution #2: Adjust Your Goals & Question Any Perceived Expectations
Perfectionists tend to set really high, hard or unrealistic goals for themselves. Equally, and because of this, they tend to accept really high, hard or unrealistic expectations from other people - especially from their romantic partners. To counteract this, consider the standards and expectations you set for yourself. Are they fair? Are they realistic? Are they challenging in a healthy way? You may even want to share your goals or self-expectations with someone you trust to really get to the bottom of this. When you do this reflection with yourself, it will be much easier to consider the expectations others are setting for you (or that you are perceiving from others), and to take action towards more fair and loving agreements. Sometimes, this means saying “no”, setting another boundary, or walking away from situations and people that aren’t willing to consider how their expectations or standards may be impacting the relationship with you.
Solution #3: Accept No One Is Perfect & Be Your Authentic Self - Messy, Real, Vulnerable & Human!
At the end of the day, “perfect” is a myth. You are a complex and unique human being. Filled with so much potential and beautiful things. Try to love and accept yourself as you are right now, even when you make mistakes. Moreover, present that real and genuine you to love interests/your romantic partner, friends or family members. This will enable you to develop more authentic, truthful and trusting relationships with other people because you are showing up in that way first. That way you’ll know they like and are attracted to you because you are YOU. When you’re not being authentic or real, you run the risk of developing relationships based on a false self and that’s how you’ll end up in relationships feeling anxious, disconnected, or unworthy.
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References
Grusec, J. E., Hastings, P., & Mammone, N. (1994). Parenting cognitions and relationship schemas. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 1994(66), 5-19.
Hong, R. Y., Lee, S. S., Chng, R. Y., Zhou, Y., Tsai, F. F., & Tan, S. H. (2017). Developmental trajectories of maladaptive perfectionism in middle childhood. Journal of Personality, 85(3), 409-422.
James, K. (2021) Change your thinking to change your life. Sydney, NSW: Pan Macmillan Australia.
Kramer, U. (2010). Coping and defence mechanisms: What's the difference?–Second act. Psychology and psychotherapy: theory, research and practice, 83(2), 207-221
