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How To Break Free From Being The “Perfect Partner”.
Many people have, at some point in their lives, strove to be the “perfect” partner. Whether perfect means being “all good”, saying “yes”, or simply avoiding anything that could “rock the boat”. Typically someone who identifies with trying to be “perfect” or “all good” is really identifying with beliefs such as “I’m inadequate”, “I’m not allowed to make mistakes”, “I am worthless”, or “I am bad” . And so, their perfectionistic ways and attempts to be good all of the time are really defence mechanisms, developed in response to some sort of pain felt earlier in their lives. In fact, I know this inner dialogue and the feelings of shame, low self-worth, and associated anxiety all too well because, at one point in time, I too tried to be the “perfect partner”.
Want Your Relationship To Last? Then, Stop Criticising Your Partner.
Of all the things I’ve seen destroy a relationship, criticism is by far one of the most prominent enablers of a relationship breakdown. You see, when you criticise your partner what you’re really doing is rejecting your partner, and eroding away any positive feelings and connection. You’re simply saying to your partner “You are not enough” or “I don’t accept you as you are”. Now, most people don’t like to feel rejected or like they aren’t “good enough”, and they’ll do almost anything to escape those feelings. This is why you see toxic people-pleasers, defensiveness, perfectionism, and infidelities in some relationships. Sometimes, those problematic behaviours are in response to a partner that has become just a little too negative in their ways of relating.