Want Your Relationship To Last? Then, Stop Criticising Your Partner.
Of all the things I’ve seen destroy a relationship, criticism is by far one of the most prominent enablers of a relationship breakdown. You see, when you criticise your partner what you’re really doing is rejecting your partner, and eroding away any positive feelings and connection. You’re simply saying to your partner “You are not enough” or “I don’t accept you as you are”. Now, most people don’t like to feel rejected or like they aren’t “good enough”, and they’ll do almost anything to escape those feelings. This is why you see toxic people-pleasers, defensiveness, perfectionism, and infidelities in some relationships. Sometimes, those problematic behaviours are in response to a partner that has become just a little too negative in their ways of relating. Moreover, relationship researcher John Gottman identified criticism as one of the top indicators of divorce but criticism doesn’t just affect married couples. It can just as easily affect couples who choose not to make it official on paper, or through the church. In truth, it can affect any kind of a relationship - platonic, familial or romantic.
A Common Indicator Of Potential Criticism In A Relationship
One of the biggest things I hear in my line of work is “My partner never listens to me” or “They always get defensive whenever I raise something with them”, sound familiar? Sometimes, these common sayings are obvious signs that the way you are communicating may actually be one of the root causes of the problems you are currently facing. Without some form of intervention, the problems you’re currently facing will become progressively worse over time. So, what do you do when you feel like your relationship is unfolding in this way?
Understanding Criticism
First, you’ll need to understand how criticism shows up. Criticising your partner might sound something like this:
“You never help around the house. It’s all your fault that we don’t have sex anymore because you never get up off the couch or contribute, you’re just lazy. It’s no wonder I don’t have the energy!”.
This is an outright attack on your partner’s character where you’re focusing on their flaws, passing judgement and pointing fingers…yikes! Depending on their life experiences, this will also likely put them on the defence mode where you’ll both be battling it out over who’s fault it is that you’ve both gotten into this place to begin with. And I say both because, well, there’s two of you in the relationship which means there’s two sets of responsibilities to be acknowledged in any given situation, regardless of what it is over. Now, call me subjective on this one but it’s never really a one sided issue when it comes to your relationship troubles because it takes two to build a connection, just as much as it takes two for a connection to breakdown.
Overtime, it is easy to lose the connection to your partner though because relationships require consistent effort and a certain element of consciousness around why you both do what you do in certain situations. Without those things, it’s all too easy to slip into a negative pattern of relating, to take things for granted or to lose the so-called “spark” - and to stay stuck there for a very long time. That’s not to say that you’re supposed to be a “perfect” human though, or that you’re supposed to know the exact words all the time and what to do in every situation because the reality is you won’t. So, it’s understandable if you make a mistake, if you’ve never reflected on this before, or if you don’t use the best words to communicate your needs and feelings every now and then. However, constant criticism will only pave the way to contempt where you’ll predominantly view your partner in a negative light, overlooking all of the good things that they’ve done. What’s more is your criticism will only send the message of “I am not loved”, “I am not appreciated”, “I am not understood”, “I am not respected”, or “I am not good enough” to your partner and that’s not what you really want, is it?!
So, pause with me here and reflect on how you communicate with your partner for a moment. In particular, think about the times when you’ve been distressed. Perhaps there was something around the house that wasn’t done? Maybe, they forgot an important event or item in the shop? Regardless of what it was over, how did you communicate to your partner about your feelings, needs or desires?
Now, pause and reflect on where you learned to communicate in that way… because it was role modelled to you somewhere.
Where Did You Learn To Criticise Or Focus On The Negatives?
As a child, I can vividly remember some of my early school days. A lot of the time, I was terrified of going into class because I was afraid of making a mistake (truth be told, I was afraid of being criticised, of having my perceived flaws pointed out, and ultimately, of not being loved or good enough). These fears and beliefs, I believe, I developed because I was exposed to heavy criticism - too much focus on mistakes and too little focus on successes. On reflection, criticism was only one primary theme of my school days so it wasn’t “all” negative. Of course, that’s not to say that this was the only place where I learned to criticise. There were numerous other experiences and sources of information which taught me to pass judgements and to focus on all of the things that were going “wrong”, or that were simply “not good enough”…
So, can you think of where you first learned to criticise or to focus on the negatives?
Overcoming Criticism
Solution #1: Rewire Your Brain To Focus On The Positives
To counteract negative thinking, the easiest thing to do is to practice daily “Acts of Appreciation”, or as other’s like to call it “Gratitude Practice”. What is one thing you can appreciate about your life, your partner or your relationship? It might be something as simple as “The sun shining through my window”, “They made me a cup of tea in bed”, or “The way we look each other in the eyes when we say “I love you””. The key with this is to focus on the things that are going well daily, rather than focusing on the grand gestures or on the things that frustrate you. Try this practice out once a day for a period of six weeks and see how you feel after.
Solution #2: Reframe How You Say Things And Say What You Actually Mean
When you think of criticism, and the example on what criticism might sound like, it’s easy to see that beneath criticism is unmet needs and unfulfilled desires. For example, if your partner said to you “You never told me about that event you were going to” they might actually mean something more like “I wanted to spend time with you this weekend and I miss your company when we’re apart”. Just like the example above might actually translate to “I feel exhausted and upset lately from doing a lot around the house. When I feel this way, it impacts the time I have to be intimate with you and that’s really important to me in our relationship”.
The next time you feel inclined to criticise or point out what your partner isn’t doing, pause. Drop the “You” statements as this will only set you both up for some nasty conflict. Instead, can you communicate what you feel, need or want with some “I” statements? If you struggle to think this through, I would suggest you grab a pen and paper.
Solution #3: Pause, Reflect & Take Responsibility
At the end of the day, your feelings, needs and desires are primarily your responsibility because you are your own primary caretaker first. Your partner can merely support you and they can only truly support you if you communicate nicely. If this feels a bit basic for you, I would encourage you to reflect on the time’s where you’ve been asked to do something. Would you prefer to be asked in a nice way or to be criticised about what you haven’t done? I know what I would prefer… The next time you’re tempted to blame, shame or criticise your partner for your feelings or unmet needs and desires, pause, and ask yourself what might be your responsibilities in this situation? Pause, and ask yourself what is likely to happen if you are to continue showing up in this way? If you are to continue criticising them instead of leaning in to vulnerably share your feelings, needs or desires?
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References
Brown, B., Fraser, C., Rajendrakumar, J., Rusnak, K., Panganiban, K., Earnshaw, E., The Gottman Institute, Irvine, T., Prooyen, E. V., Eldemire, A., & Lisitsa, E. (n.d.). The Four horsemen archives. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved January 04, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/column/the-four-horsemen/
Fowler, C., & Dillow, M. R. (2011). Attachment dimensions and the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Communication Research Reports, 28(1), 16-26.
