How Many Women Feel Like A Man’s Mother Instead of His Lover? Too Many.
Has your sexual desire or passion faded from your relationship? Have you suddenly started questioning if you should stay, or leave? Have you ever thought that it might be because your relationship has shifted from an adult-adult to an adult-child dynamic? Truth be told, you’re not alone if you answered ‘yes’ to any of these because I once said ‘yes’ too. Moreover, I see this type of dilemma in my line of work weekly and here’s what I have to say about this aspect of your relationship…
Understanding Early Role Models For Womanhood & Relationships
There’s a lot of information out there on how many women end up becoming a mother to their man. Equally, there’s just as much information out there on how many men end up with a woman who resembles their mother in some way. More often than not, and without any intervention, it results in some form of a relationship breakdown or crisis.
Now, if you think about it, a man’s mother shapes the way they view their relationship with women for better and for worse. From a young age, there will be an imprint, a subconscious role model for womanhood left on a boy’s psyche. This subconscious role model runs so deep that it even connects to why some men may be interested in lesbian sex, or some “girl-on-girl” action but I’m not going to go into the details here. You can read all about that side of a man’s mind in the book “The Brain That Changes Itself”.
The main thing that I want you to understand right now is that mothers influence their son’s relationship with women. So, what does this mean for you? If his mother did his ironing and cooking, then he will likely expect this from you. If his mother never set boundaries and enabled him to believe that he could demand and have his demands met, then he will likely expect this same way of relating from you. If his mother was career focused and the “bread winner” of the family, then you can be sure that he won’t be pleased if you prefer to stay at home and indulge yourself. If his mother was silent and the caretaking type to the point where her son doesn’t even know what it means to take initiative or to have his views challenged, then you can be sure that he won’t be happy when you’re assertive and taking time to focus on you.
On the flip side, there’s also men who prefer the opposite to their mother (and that’s not to say, that they date their dad). Rather, anything you do that reminds him of his mother will be a complete turn off or trigger point. So, let’s think about this one… have you ever gone out of your way to do something for your partner only to feel unappreciated? Maybe, you make him lunch every day out of the kindness of your heart only to have him respond with “I can do these things myself!” or “I don’t need your help!”. Now, ladies, don’t get me wrong here when I say this: making his lunch is incredibly kind and yes, there needs to be a level of appreciation BUT making his lunch every day could be considered “mothering” him. Now, maybe that example doesn’t resonate with you. Maybe, you’re someone who has unknowingly criticised or nagged him to “take it easy and to not get too drunk” when he’s gone out with his friends? Maybe, you’re someone who tells him he should tuck his shirt in or get a hair cut? But let me ask you, how would you feel if you were being told not to dress a certain way, or not to hang out with certain friends incase you got “too drunk”? You’d probably think your partner was a right control freak and you’d probably consider ending it if he continued in that way too…
Whichever type of man you believe your current partner or love interest is, your role is not to compare yourself to his mother - or worse yet, to become his mother. Moreover, it’s also not your job to become your own mother in the relationship with him - or to become any type of a mother for the record. You’re his lover. And as a frank reminder that was once said to me by an old and dear friend of mine “No one wants to have sex with their mother” so, it really is in your best interest to do a reality check, and ask yourself could this be why there’s no intimacy in your relationship?
From Lover To Mother: Where Did It Go Wrong?
I’m sure some women can remember the start of their dating days - feeling sexy, confident, easy-going, flirty, and fun. It all feels good and like it’s moving in the right direction until a few weeks, months, or years into a relationship and for some, they suddenly find themselves nagging, over-functioning and completely turned off by sex. Yikes! Of course, I am speaking to a specific section of heterosexual couples here because not every couple evolves in this way. In fact, the ones who don’t fall into this trap are typically the ones who were exposed to good role models for relationships, for womanhood, for manhood, or they are the type of people who do the inner work on themselves regularly so they simply get how a relationship works. These people are what one might call a “conscious couple”.
Now, from what I believe and have researched, the dynamic shifts from lover to mother for three reasons: 1. the woman’s view of relationships or of what it means to be a woman in a relationship is distorted or unhelpful 2. the man’s view of relationships or of what it means to be a man in a relationship is distorted or unhelpful 3. there is a lack of conscious conversations or open communication within the relationship. And so, it’s easy to see why many people become unhappy and co-create dysfunctional relationship patterns because somewhere along the way someone or something impacted the way they think about relationships - and they’ve never thought to shift their thinking about it.
Disclaimer / side note: I’m stereotyping “mother” in this article but it’s important to remember that there are some “cool mums” out there i.e. mother’s who are easy going and emotionally mature because they have come from a family of good role models, or they have done the inner work on themselves too. Mother in this article might be the co-dependent type, the nagging type, or the type that believes she knows what’s best for everyone and her way is the “right” way. Equally, a woman’s relationship with a man is shaped by her father or other significant male role models. So, even though I talk about one side of this dynamic it might be helpful for you to consider the flip side of this dynamic. And two final notes (i) if you take offence to this article then it might be a sign that something needs to change within you (or your relationship) as this article is in no way meant to be offensive but rather eye-opening as to why this is such a common problem in heterosexual couples (ii) articles are generalised and never about specific people or clients, what might feel real to you is also a very real problem for many others out there. Articles are influenced by a range of sources, some of which are found in the references section below.
Overcoming This Dilemma
Solution #1: Identify Your Relationship Beliefs & Change The Unhelpful Ones
The beliefs you form in your earlier years will draw toward you people, relationships and situations that will reinforce those beliefs. So, if you unconsciously believe that you need to over-function in a relationship i.e. if you believe it’s your job to do the cooking, cleaning, child rearing etc. Then you’ll likely attract a man who won’t help around the house or do any of the emotional labour. Or, you’ll destroy relationships with men who are willing to contribute and create a balanced relationship because it means that you can’t over-function and be their “mother”. More simply, you won’t accept them into your life because they go against your relationship “norm”. This is often what is called “self-sabotage” where deep down you desire a balanced relationship yet time and time again you destroy any opportunity for that to happen. So, become curious on your relationship beliefs, identify the unhelpful ones and then actively seek to change them.
Side note: true change requires behaviour change to match your beliefs. So, always ask yourself do your words match your actions? And if you’re looking in the direction of a man, do their words match their actions?
Solution #2: Stop Nagging Or Pointing Out What He Could Do Better - Or Do “Right”
If he’s messy around the house, could you reframe it in a way that doesn’t sound so critical or naggy? If you would like more help, could you ask in a way that doesn’t sound demanding? If he does something, could you appreciate what he’s done instead of telling him it’s not done “the right way” or to “do better”? And if communication isn’t your strong point, then maybe it’s time to consider booking in a session with me by clicking here so we can get you set up and on the right track back to being his lover over his mother.
Side note: a lover will raise issues and set boundaries but in a way that doesn’t sound like his moaning mother.
Solution #3: Remember Your Responsibilities - Not His
It’s not your responsibility to remind him of his appointments, of his drinking limits, or of his bills that are owed. He knows these things already. It’s also not your responsibility to “fix” his moods, to wash his clothes, or to empty his balls if he demands it (which can be objectifying and frankly, gross). The key here is to remind yourself of what it was like when you first started dating him - and for some, to remind yourself of what it was like before you both lived together. You both took care of your own self first (or so I hope) so recognise that just like you can take care of you, he has that same privilege too. And if that’s hard, maybe consider what an adult should be able to do for themselves and whatever you both can’t do, consider learning how to do it. Consider learning what healthy boundaries look like and where those boundaries need to be set. Consider what is your responsibility when it comes to your half of the relationship and equally, he can consider his.
Side note: a lot of older generations were influenced by rigid gender roles because that’s what people believed society needed to function at the time. The world is much different now which means those rigid gender roles don’t need to be your relationship norm especially if it doesn’t feel good. So, even though his mother, or perhaps your mother, may have done the “womanly” things around the house, recognise that just because they lived in those norms it doesn’t mean you have to follow those ways of relating. You are your own person now - and you both have the opportunity to co-create a relationship that is different and that feels good to you both.
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References
Bowlby, J. (1997). Attachment and Loss Volume 1. PIMLICO.
Doidge, N. (2007, 2010). Acquiring Tastes and Loves. In The Brain That Changes Itself. Scribe
Jacobvitz, D. B., & Bush, N. F. (1996). Reconstructions of family relationships: Parent–child alliances, personal distress, and self-esteem. Developmental Psychology, 32(4), 732.
Roisman, G. I., Madsen, S. D., Hennighausen, K. H., Alan oufe Sr, L., & Andrew Collins, W. (2001). The coherence of dyadic behavior across parent–child and romantic relationships as mediated by the internalized representation of experience. Attachment & Human Development, 3(2), 156-172.
